A Brain Injury Life

Okay, I confess. I know about managing my compromised executive functions, and know that if I don’t keep myself in line I’m in trouble, but sometimes I just plow ahead and welcome trouble. It happens more than I like to admit. I let myself avoid doing what really needs to be done, knowing full well that panic will ensue.

Then I override the panic by doing everything except for what’s needed, and working (unproductively) far into the night. I really do need breaks, do need to limit how much I take on, and pre-plan so the work I have to do gets done. But I confess – it can be easier to convince myself that if I just keep going, time will stop and I’ll be fine. 

That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m panicked about a workshop I’m giving tomorrow at the BIANYS conference.  I wanted to do it, excited my proposal was accepted, and I know why and how it should go. But every time I sit down to finish I end up editing what I already finished (many times over).

My recycle basket is filled to overflowing with pointlessly rewritten versions, and I can see I’m getting further and further behind by the minute and up to the last minute. 

Family friends colleagues coaches say,  “Don’t worry! you’ll do fine,” but here I am, still not doing what has to be done. Instead, I am writing this blog post. And, of course, rewriting, editing, rewriting and starting all over. Weirdly, it’s like being flooded… but not.

I should know better, and I do – this is definitely not the way to be at my best. So I’ll stop writing now. Stop thinking. Set my alarm.  Go to sleep.

Or, maybe I won’t. I just have to figure out what’s worse – being flooded in anticipation, or walking into the workshop telling myself, “Breathe, don’t get flooded, and above all, DON’T PANIC!”