Please.
Don’t keep saying I am so strong.
Don’t tell me how far I’ve come.
There is so far I have yet to travel.
To be honest with you, I am not the role model you imagine.
I can act cocksure, talk up a storm
As if I have the answers at my fingertips.
But that is just my way.
Don’t let it fool you.
I know facts, theory, skills. Teaching is an option.
But first I need patience to listen,
courage to hear, and of course self-awareness
to keep my ego at bay.
So don’t look for inspiration in my heart, my journey.
It is no more inspiring than your path has been.
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child,
Despite having a mother,
being a mother,
and having been held up by gentle hands.
I can’t hold up anyone, anymore.
A Brain Injury Life 
Laurie- Despite you not being able to hold anyone up anymore (your own words), to many, you most likely will continue to do so, simply by being you. Perhaps you are not aware of this, and, feel that you need to actively and consciuosly ‘do’ something to hold someone up. Simply interacting with you-on any level and by any means- continues to hold me up, which is priceless for me- literally and figuratively…
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Thank you Silvina
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Laurie –
I deeply know and respect the feeling. One of the struggles as we age, especially as single women (and even many women in relationships), is that we don’t have anyone to mother US – we don’t have anyone to ‘take care of us’. In any given moment one is proud of strength and determination and marching on – but there are those moments between the moments when we just want someone to understand even if they don’t totally understand.
Being a ‘model’ or an inspiration can be a burden unto itself – is an inspiration allowed to say no, to make mistakes, to crumble? Of course they can and do. That is being human and you are very human. Even more it is the human part of you that makes you so wonderful.
I wish I could be there to help lighten your load, and to share mine and let you know that you are wonderful just exactly as you are.
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I didn’t realize how hard this would be to put out there. Or that I’d even get comments – I don’t know how to respond. But thank you.
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Laurie, because what you talk about makes so much sense, it’s difficult for some to understand that tbi deficits are still ”just below the surface.”
We tbi-ers learn to make adjustments and warn others about when and how the deficits surface. It’s not easily understood by others why we draw attention to the facts of “TBI To Life.” Not many family or friends have learned to openly recognize when our physical or cognitive deficit does or is about to interfere.
I am so, so grateful when people do understand our facts, acknowledge them and try to assist us. Then I am not drained by the feeling that someone else is “off kilter,” and it my not be me.
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As always, Rendy, you add much to the conversation. I appreciate your insight and thoughtfulness. Thank you
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When our struggles or limitations are hidden just below the surface, either because we don’t want to call them out, or because others don’t recognize the shadows that show themselves if one was attentive, can make some days rather lonely.
When someone recognizes a shadow that lies just below the surface, it gives me a surge of being understood. What an encouragement those empathetic moments can be.
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I can’t blame others for missing the shadows that are faintly evident just below the surface because I often don’t read and respond to my own shadows. I need to develop an awareness to recognize when I’m approaching my limitations before I ‘crash’. Often my spouse will recognize the shadows darken before I’m even aware the shadows are forming.
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