I’ve been working on a new blog post for months. It is concrete, helpful, but cold, somehow off-putting. Every time go back to cut it I make it longer. Less tolerable. I know because even I get bored reading it. That’s the usual process of writing this blog – I falter but then make it happen.

I just can’t make this one happen. Not now.

So you’re getting “Hello” instead.
Maybe it happens to you.

 

I’m running from all the “shoulds” I set myself up for. On the lam. Depression seeped in under my closed door and is in my air. My son says it’s the dark of winter that steals hope. But the world outside. The horrors so many live, our humanity lost is the true dark of winter. Not my frame of mind sitting here, not my reality that just feels far away.

I’ve had so much joy in my life the past few months. Why do I retreat from it and sink into myself? I throw my arms open to embrace it, but come up empty. I’m just wrapping myself in myself. Maybe there is nothing else to do but live with that, and one of these days my arms will open. Or I will act as if they have.

I got a cold. Lost my voice. My mother, who’s also sick, can’t even hear me when I call her. My sister deals with my her needs and tells me not to worry. To take care of myself. I feel superfluous. have shut the doors.

Brain injury taught me about feeling useless. It lies in wait just under my thin skin.

But for now, I apologize to you. I’m tired of living with sorry but I’ve left you hanging and wanted to say why. I feel you out there. Want to keep the connection. To have the conversation. So here’s my word of the day:

“Can’t”

It will turn to “Can” one of these days. I hope soon but tomorrow is a cypher when my chest is weighted down and it’s hard to move or breath. I am not telling you this so you will feel sorry for me. Since my brain injury people think it’s inspiring just getting on. I may be getting on, but for now I’m stalled. I want you to know I’ll be back. I know I will. And hope I’ll have something to say.

Thank you for listening.